We Have To Murder Perez Hilton's Face

Wow it's been awhile. I apologize. I have two resolutions though in the new year. Which is pretty good for me because I think resolutions were invented by the gym to increase membership in much the same way Valentine's Day was created by Hallmark to sell cards. But my bullshit resolutions are:

1) Post to this blog more

and

2) Stop reading TMZ and all the other celebrity rags that put money in the hands of the paparazzi who are fundamentally evil.

I got to thinking about this because California recently passed a new anti-paparazzi law that just went into effect. I was curious, so I did some research. The most important thing about the law is that newspapers and web sites that post photos taken illegally can now be sued. In the past you could only sue the paparazzi themselves which was next to impossible. But now sites like TMZ, which post primarily photos that were taken illegally by shitty paparazzi can be sued.

Did you know that it's illegal to publish photos taken while standing outside a restaurant shooting in through a window? Well it is. Same with somebody driving a car. That's half of all the content on TMZ.

Do I think it's really going to help? No. There's just too much money involved in the whole thing. Somebody is going to have to die in the US before something is done. It doesn't seem to matter that it happened already in the UK to Princess Diana.

I found a particularly sickening bit deprevity in an interview with Perez Hilton. I always thought he was a disgusting human being but what I read really is a new level of foul. But it got me to thinking and led me to one unalterable conclusion:

We have to murder Perez Hilton's face.

Stay with me on this, because the logic is foolproof. Let me back up a bit and show you a transcript of the interview that I stumbled across.

EVIDENCE A:

This transcript is from an Interview with Perez Hilton in an E True Hollywood Special about Paparazzi a few years ago after the death of Princess Diana:

Interviewer: "Would you use a photo that was obtained in a way that endangered someone?"

Perez: (proudly, while smiling) "I published pictures of Princess Diana in her death car."

Interviewer: "Doesn't that make you, in a sense, complicit in it"

Perez Hilton: "Probably, sure (laughter). Oh well I can still sleep at night."

CONCLUSION A:

Perez Hilton did and continues to post photos on his website taken by paparazzi who break the law and put people's lives in danger. Not only the lives of the celebrities, but of ordinary citizens trying to go about their lives. It is only a matter of time before somebody else dies. And he feels ZERO guilt about this. He even seems to think it is funny.

I myself was almost in a car crash thanks to some crazy paparazzi shooting photos WHILE DRIVING of somebody else driving in their car.

If even the tragic death of another human being can not stop Perez Hilton then it doesn't matter how many more people die. He will never stop. He is the Energizer Bunny of evil douchebaggery.

I gave up all hope of ever stopping him UNTIL..!

EVIDENCE B:

I found this transcript was taken from Perez Hilton's more recent tearful youtube video after being punched in the face outside a music awards ceremony in Toronto.

"What happened to me in Toronto happened to me as a human being and it should not happen to anyone...blood should never be drawn. Another person should never be hit."

CONCLUSION B:

Perez Hilton clearly understands that actions have real consequences only when it directly effects him (particularly in his face).

FINAL CONCLUSION:

Since we can not murder Perez Hilton (as murder is illegal and I would not advocate the brutal slaying of another human being no matter how much they deserve it) the only way that Perez can understand how disgusting his actions are and take the appropriate steps to change his behavior before somebody else dies is to kill his face.

Once Perez's face has been killed he will realize that killing other people is bad. Only things that effect his face are real in his universe. It must be done.

There is no other way.

QUESTION:

But can you murder somebody's face?

ANSWER:

I believe so. A face has been murdered when it is dead; that is, it can no longer be recognized as a face. It has become something else. And so is dead as a face.

QUESTION:

How do you plan to kill Perez Hilton's face?

ANSWER:

We feed his face (and only his face) to a monkey. We all saw what happened to that poor woman's face who was attacked by a monkey. The one who wore a sack over here head on Oprah. You can't argue what remained was a face.

Normally I would never wish such a tragic situation upon another human being. But this is the only way that Perez Hilton can be stopped before the photos that he purchases daily lead to the death of another innocent human being.

We have to feed Perez Hilton's face to a chimpanzee as soon as possible. The more apeshit this monkey goes on his greasy, worthless, cry-baby, talentless, feckless fatty-fat-fat of a face the better the chance we have of saving somebody's life. Think about that.

Together, we can save somebody's life. Maybe yours. What's it gonna be?

If I have time in the next day or two I will be creating "Murder Perez's Face" t-shirts on Cafe Press. I will send up the link when they are available. I hope you will buy one. All proceeds will go to the purchase and training of a chimpanzee in the art of face murdering.

Thank you.

-D