Unfortunately, it is also football season and that means my roommate has taken over the television.
Did you know that between college and the NFL there is ALWAYS some sort of big game during Football season? This means your roommate is going to be drunk, on the couch and perpetually angry until at least February. And even though every football game ever played ends with one team losing to the other my roommate seems consistently surprised when it happens to HIS favorite team. Then he drinks more. And yells things about "fumbles" and "interceptions" that I don't understand and frighten me. I mean, I played with Jem dolls growing up (although, at heart, I was always a Misfit). What the hell do I know about sports? I'm a theater fag who happens to like pussy. So I stay in my room and read a lot because they don't make Jem dolls anymore. And political blogs are just the thing to pass the time while staying informed. You learn all kinds of stuff.
For example, we all know that political bloggers are little more the crazy homeless people screaming at passing cars who happen to possess rudimentary html skills. But did you realize that you don't need to have any qualifications in order to become a political blogger? Nobody is regulating you. The internet is an orgy and everyone who can afford it is invited. Is it an asshole or a vagina you're about to put your dick in? Doesn't matter! It's the internet! Nobody is pressing charges and it's totally anonymous. So just stick it right in there and don't worry about the pair of balls bouncing like spilled grapes right under that hole your frantically plowing.
Even more amazing is that now, more then ever, political bloggers are actually effecting the national political discussion in a very real way. I will read a pile of stinking bullshit at 11:00 AM and then see it being spread like fine manure on a major news network that very night.
Once it reaches the national level this absurd piece of journalistic blogger-poop will be dissected and argued over by pundits for hours (pundits are retards with degrees, hence why they are allowed on television). Watching the pundits awkwardly bat around some complete and total piece of bullshit while trying to hit all of their talking points reminds me of that Atari game "Joust" where you try to ride a drunk and mentally retarded Ostrich in order to capture eggs before the other player does. Sure you may win but you were playing the game. So really, you lose too. Just like football.
But my pithy observations have led me to a new and dramatic point in my life. So long story...uhm, long (sorry). I'm become a political blogger. And here is my first political blog!
HANNITY RAPED COLMES!
by Defectus
The other day I read in "The New York Times" that Hannity had re-upped his contract at Fox News until 2012. Upon completion of the article I realized that it had made no mention of Colmes! How could that be? You can't have Hannity without Colmes. That's like Hitler without Eva. And nobody wants to die ALONE in a bunker. That's why they had each other. I had to know more!
So I began to poke around to try and find some information about Colmes' contract but I couldn't find anything. I even hacked into Fox News' servers but there was NOTHING. As far as I could tell he wasn't even being paid! He's not an employee. He's not even an intern. But Hannity, for some reason, was making TWICE as much as everyone else on the network.
There had to be something I was missing. I sent out emails to all of my contacts. Surprisingly enough it was my prison-snitch buddy Dingles (or "Liced-Tea" as he likes to be called) that provided me with the key to the mystery box I had been trying to stick it in all this time. You see, Lice-Tea had served a prison sentence with not only Colmes, but ALSO with Hannity.
Hannity and Colmes had met each other in prison!
At first I didn't believe it. But Liced-Tea had proof. He sent me a manilla envelope that contained copies of Hannity and Colmes prison records. It seemed that Colmes was in for giving a woman a surprise abortion (part of his failed "Mandatory Abortions For Everyone' initiative) and Hannity had been put away for beating his neighbors house slave Mr. Kettle with an iron pot. If it had been his own house slave it would have been merely ironic but killing another man's house slave is tantamount to theft. So they were both locked up.
Even more amazing is that at the bottom of the envelope I found the reason why Colmes is nowhere to be found in Fox News' corporate database.
Their is no record of Mr. Colmes because he is not, in fact, an employee of Fox News. Mr. Colmes, you see, is Mr. Hannity's prison-bitch and has been since the first day they met!!! And, as we all know, prison-bitches don't make money. They live off of their host, giving everything they make to their masters and eating whatever crumbs are cast aside by their stern but loving tops. It's just like Adrian Grenier and HBO.
Further investigation by yours truly backed up everything Liced-Tea was saying. Mr. Colmes lives in a dog cage at the foot of Mr. Hannity's bed and is referred to off-camera by everyone at Fox news as either "The CumSwap Kid", "Cummi the Whore-Bear" or simply "BottomBitch". On days when Karl Rove or another major Republican is visiting their trip is not complete without a tapping of Colmes Liberal Ass (or if schedules are tight the simple extinguishing of a cigarette on his shorn scrotum). I realize that this may all be a bit much to believe. Luckily, Liced-Tea had a mini-tape and on it was recorded the very first meeting between Colmes and Hannity. I had my smoking gun!
Here is the transcription in its entirety:
Hannity: Hey. What are you reading?
Colmes: I'm reading "Atlas Shrugged" by Anne....
Hannity: (interrupting) Hey shutup. Seriously. Because I'm going to rape you now.
Colmes: What? But you can't do that!
Hannity: Yes. I can. I'm Hannity. And I takes what's I wants. Now bend over.
(sounds of a struggle, a book being dropped)
Colmes: My bookmark fell out! I'll never find my place again.
(the sound of Hannity punching Colmes in the stomach)
Colmes: My stomach!
(the sound of a chair being kicked aside)
Colmes: You just kicked my chair aside!
(the sound of Colmes being bent over the library table, spilling a pile of books)
Colmes: Oh no! My other assorted library books!
(the sound of pants being pushed down.)
Holmes: I'm totally gonna rape your liberal ass.
Colmes: How did you know I was a liberal! I was so secretive about it!
Holmes: I can smell it on you. You smell like Ramen Soup, patchouli oil and an old Dean Koontz paperback novel you'd find in the bottom drawer of the dresser in a summer house you rented for the weekend in the Hamptons. That's classic liberal stink.
(the sound of a meaty Republican cock slapping against a small Liberal ass)
Colmes: Oh this is going to get worse before it gets better!
Hannity: Just like the economy.
(the sound of one TV news anchor raping another)
Hannity: I'm surprised. I thought you liberals loved to spend money like it was water.
Colmes: We do!
Hannity: Then how come this asshole is so tight?
Colmes: Oh my!
Hannity: Here comes the straight talk express.
(the sound of one TV anchor cumming in the other one's ass)
Colmes: Oh my!
Hannity: Oh yeah.
(the sound of panting and some light cuddling)
Colmes: I didn't know it could be like that. That was amazing. Once I gave up trying to be in control it's like everything became clearer.
Hannity: That's because you're a liberal. You don't know what you want. All you know is you don't want to make the hard decisions. That's why from now on you'll be my property. I'm going to tattoo Mondale on your ass. Because I got Reagan tattooed on my cock. It's going to be 1984 every night of the week and twice on Saturdays.
Colmes: Oh yes sir.
(the sound of Hannity pulling his pants on. A few footsteps. They stop...)
Hannity: By the way I want you to grow a long mustache. Like Yosemite Sam. That way I can feel the ends of it tickling my balls when you suck my dick.
Colmes: Ohhh my. Oh yes sir. Thank you sir.
Hannity: I think this is the start of a beautiful master/bitch prison rape relationship.
(end of tape)
As you can see this explains everything. Now their show makes perfect sense to me. I couldn't understand why else the Fox News Network, a bastion of fairness, would put such a meek, bookish liberal like Colmes (who also happens to look like the old man from "Poltergeist 2" up against somebody as loud, charismatic and brutish as Hannity. That doesn't seem fair and balanced at all! But it's because this way Hannity takes home both his paycheck AND Colmes. That's how it works in prison. And that's how it works on Fox News. Makes perfect sense to me.
I look forward to listening to them discuss this tonight on their show.
Until then I'm keeping my ear to the ground for all the hot and steamy political action.
-Defectus
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